


there is no passion (there is a negotiation)

by virdant



Series: there is no death (there is a wedding) [3]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, Lawyers, M/M, Meet the Family, Overbearing Grandparents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virdant/pseuds/virdant
Summary: Jango thought that the Negotiation would be something like this.Obi-Wan would say that he didn’t want the clones to be an army. Jango would say that a job is a job, and that he couldn’t take that back now. The lawyer would hem and haw and eventually help them come to some sort of conclusion, and then Jango would take Obi-Wan back to their rooms for a private discussion.Instead, the lawyer says: “It appears that during your legal separation, you have signed your rights to your children away.”--Jango meets a lawyer and some guests. Things go about as well as they could.
Relationships: Dooku & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jango Fett/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: there is no death (there is a wedding) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875826
Comments: 122
Kudos: 1564





	there is no passion (there is a negotiation)

**Author's Note:**

> i really wouldn't have written this if it weren't for weird hours [jangobi] crew being the encouraging folks they are. thank you all for non-stop weird hours salt. 
> 
> and thank you to everybody who has been reading this AU i hope you all enjoy this installment. :)

The lawyer shows up on a rare sunny day. The skies are blue, the sun is out, and there’s barely a cloud in sight. The shuttle touches down with a blast of exhaust that disperses effortlessly into the clear skies. It is the sort of day that brides dream about for their weddings, the sky picturesque and perfect, Obi-Wan at his side, a woman who can notarize and sign and file paperwork standing before them.

The lawyer is here to discuss the clones, Jango is pretty sure. Obi-Wan’s been dropping hints as he drops his robes: distracting and not subtle at all.

Obi-Wan beams at the lawyer—and the accompanying jedi, a Kel Dor he greets as Master Plo. They exchange bows and pleasantries. They comment on the weather and the latest news at the Temple.

Then Obi-Wan sweeps them all to a conference room to begin a Negotiation.

Jango’s gotten used to negotiations since Obi-Wan showed up, soaking wet at his doorstep and wearing his vambrace. Negotiations are how Obi-Wan communicates. He’d say one thing, Obi-Wan’d say another, and then they’d step into the bedroom to have a private discussion and work out any compromises while Boba watched a show with headphones on. (Anakin, once he joined them, took to reading technical manuals loudly and with increasing tones of trauma.)

Jango’s grown to enjoy negotiations. 

But this is a Negotiation, with capital letters, and one far less pleasant.

It’s the type of day that brides dream about when they plan their marriage, beautiful and perfect. Obi-Wan sweeps them into a sterile room and settles them around a table. He sits next to the lawyer and Master Plo, the three of them facing Jango.

“So,” the lawyer says, “let’s discuss your marriage.”

* * *

Jango thought that the Negotiation would be something like this.

Obi-Wan would say that he didn’t want the clones to be an army. Jango would say that a job is a job, and that he couldn’t take that back now. The lawyer would hem and haw and eventually help them come to some sort of conclusion, and then Jango would take Obi-Wan back to their rooms for a private discussion.

Instead, the lawyer says: “It appears that during your legal separation, you have signed your rights to your children away.”

Technically, they’re his clones, not his children. He’s brought the point up to Obi-Wan, who usually responds by trying to convince him otherwise. It’s easy to agree with Obi-Wan, if only because Obi-Wan is experienced in all acts of negotiation, and his tongue is quick and agile from so many diplomatic missions. 

He opens his mouth to bring up the point, and then shuts it when Obi-Wan smiles, dangerous and pleasant at the same time, at him.

“Circumstances have changed,” Jango says instead.

“Yes.” The lawyer looks tired. “You’re married now.”

“Technically,” Obi-Wan says, “Jango and I have been married for decades.”

“Yes,” the lawyer says, sounding even more tired, “I know.”

At Jango’s curious look, Obi-Wan says, cheerfully, “Barrister Karfulye helped file the paperwork with the senate for our marriage when I came back from Mandalore. We thought you were a ghost, back then.”

“Yes,” the lawyer, Su Karfulye says, drily, “we did.” Her tone implies that she was the one to file the paperwork for Obi-Wan to marry a ghost.

Obi-Wan adds, “We’ll probably have to change the paperwork, now that we know Jango is alive.”

“That _is_ what caused the delay,” the other Jedi—Master Plo—says. “Barrister Su had to get that settled so we can start discussing custody of the boys.”

“Yes,” the lawyer says, sounding very exhausted. “It was more difficult than I anticipated. As I mentioned, this all happened while you two were legally separated. Did you know that there’s paperwork for legal separation filed for the two of you? I was under the impression that everybody thought you were dead.”

“I’m not dead,” Jango says, at the expectant silence.

“Yet.” Obi-Wan smiles.

Jango says, “ _I_ didn’t file for legal separation. I didn’t even know I was married!”

Obi-Wan just smiles, pleasantly, back. “Of course, Jango,” he says. “I believe you.”

Barrister Karfulye continues, as if Obi-Wan hadn’t said anything, “But you are now alive and properly married according to Republic records, as well as Master Nu’s.”

Obi-Wan winces. “Yes, I’m sure Master Nu appreciates the timely correction to her archives.”

According to the lawyer, Jango has signed his rights away, and there’s little they can do about that. According to the lawyer, both Mandalorian law, Republic law, Hutt law, and pretty much every other law in the galaxy includes stipulations for a spouse. According to the lawyer, Jango has signed his rights away, but Obi-Wan, as his spouse, has not.

“So we’re suing for custody?” Obi-Wan asks.

Master Plo asks, “And we are bringing the case against the Republic?”

“I might have forgotten to mention something?”

Everybody turns to look at Jango.

“There might be another person involved.”

It is quiet for a long moment, before the silence is broken by the hiss of Master Plo’s mask as he inhales. And then, very curiously, he asks: “Are you having an affair?”

* * *

Obi-Wan is disappointed.

Disappointment, Jango decides, is not a good emotion on Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan leverages a disappointed look at him. It is, as expressions on Obi-Wan’s face often are, exceedingly attractive. It is not, unfortunately, a look that will get them a private conversation in the bedroom where Obi-Wan explains, in great detail, why he disagrees and attempts to reach a satisfactory conclusion for both of them.

Disappointment on Obi-Wan, Jango realizes, means Obi-Wan _taking time to himself_.

To rub salt on the wound, Anakin walks in to their rooms, takes one look at Obi-Wan sitting alone and rubbing his beard and says, “Wow, he’s really disappointed, isn’t he?”

“Kid,” Jango replies, “Go read some technical manuals loudly.”

“Hey!”

But Anakin leaves, and Jango is left alone with Obi-Wan, who is still disappointed, but is looking less disappointed than before.

“I’m not mad,” Obi-Wan says, again, “I’m just disappointed.”

“I know,” Jango says. “You’ve said.”

“You let me believe that Master Sifo-Dyas asked you to be the clone template.”

Jango didn’t think there was _that_ much discussion on that topic. Most of their negotiations revolved around treatment of the clones and whether or not the Republic should have an army. After some long nights, Jango agreed that the Republic didn’t need an army, and that given that they were clones of himself, they were capable of higher thought, so they were sentient and probably should be allowed to live peaceful lives instead of getting sent into a war. There was much less conversation about how the clones came to be, and much more discussion about what to do now that they did exist.

“I didn’t say anything about it. It’s work. There’s confidentiality agreements.”

Obi-Wan looks very disappointedly back at him. “I know,” he says, sadly. “But I thought we were working together on this. You really could have given me a heads up.”

Jango can handle anger. He is familiar with righteous fury. But this? Jango is very helpless against disappointment.

“I can’t believe that you have a business contract with Master Dooku and you didn’t tell me.” And then, with slowly dawning realization, Obi-Wan says, “I can’t believe he knew you were _alive_ and didn’t tell me.”

* * *

Count Dooku arrives shortly afterwards.

“Grandmaster,” Obi-Wan greets, as Count Dooku approaches them from his ship. Unlike every other time somebody arrives at Kamino, it is (still) a sunny day, and Dooku remains pristine as he crosses the landing zone. 

Jango turns to stare. “What?”

“Master—oh, it’s Count now—Count Dooku is the Master of my Master, which makes him my Grandmaster.”

Jango only has a moment to process as Dooku nods in acknowledgement to Obi-Wan and replies, “Grandpadawan.”

Obi-Wan bows, politely, and then, formalities taken care of, says, “I don’t believe we have the correct vocabulary for you, Jango. I don’t know of the correct address for husband within a lineage.”

Dooku sniffs. “Surely that isn’t necessary. Mr. Fett is a perfectly appropriate title.”

“Now, Grandmaster, that’s far too formal of an address for my husband.” Obi-Wan has a sharp gleam in his eye. “I’m sure you, with your infinite knowledge, would know the correct address. Surely there was a term, historically.” 

Dooku frowns. “I believe you are confusing me for Master Nu.”

“Ah, Master Nu is understandably upset with me at the moment, though I’m sure she would welcome a comm from you. I’m given to understand that you’ve kept some pertinent information.”

“The Kamino mess, I presume,” Dooku says.

Obi-Wan nods, agreeably. “Yes, of course. I presume that you were the one who deleted the planet from the Archives?”

“It seemed prudent, though I regret that it’s caused friction between you and Master Nu.”

“Unfortunately, that was not the only situation I was referring to.”

Dooku’s frown etches even more deeply. “There really was no need to inform Master Nu about Mr. Fett. The archives had all of the pertinent information.”

“I’m sure Master Nu will be pleased to hear you thought it unnecessary to update my husband’s file from deceased to living.”

Jango turns to his husband, and then back to Count Dooku. The sunny day feels more and more like an ill omen as they settle into a conversation about linguistics and archives, perfectly content to ignore Jango. Obi-Wan’s hands are tucked comfortably into his sleeves, and Count Dooku’s are as well, and even if Obi-Wan didn’t call Count Dooku _Grandmaster_ he would have suspected some form of connection.

Well, if Obi-Wan won’t ask. He waits for a pause and interrupts. “What are you doing here?”

Obi-Wan and Dooku both blink politely at him.

Obi-Wan says, “That can wait, Jango; this is important.”

Dooku nods. “It is best we take care of these pleasantries before we continue, Mr. Fett,”

“Oh no,” Obi-Wan says. “That’s for too formal for your degree of connection.”

“Yes, I suppose so, Grandpadawan. Still, it seems prudent we retain a degree of formality, given the circumstances. There’s no need to remain so _attached_.”

Jango stares as the two of them continue their discussion, and whirls on his ankle to get back to the lawyer.

* * *

The lawyer looks at the three of them and says, “Oh no.”

Dooku, imperiously, says, “I’m to understand that my Grandpadawan is suing for custody of Mr. Fett’s clones.”

“We haven’t really gotten to that part, Grandmaster,” Obi-Wan says, disapprovingly. “And really, there’s no need for such formality when referring to your grandpadawan’s husband.”

Jango attempts a beseeching look at the lawyer, who very studiously ignores him in favor of Obi-Wan and Dooku. Barrister Karfulye, clearly, has determined who the real players in this negotiation are. Jango, who is used to being one of the biggest threats in the room, isn’t sure how to feel about it.

Obi-Wan says, “I’m given to understand that you’ve become part of the Separatist leadership, Grandmaster. With all of this talk of war, surely removing the clones from Republic custody can only serve your aims.”

Dooku says, “Do you truly believe yourself capable of custody of 1.2 million clones of Jango Fett, Grandpadawan?”

“Your concern is touching,” Obi-Wan replies, “Yet I find myself beholden to ensure sentient lives are not marched into war without their consent, especially when they are the flesh and blood of my husband. Who, I might add, you have known was alive for over a decade, yet you didn’t see fit to inform me.”

Jango desperately attempts to make eye contact with the other Jedi—Master Plo—who is clearly watching the byplay with utter delight despite wearing a breathing mask that obscures the majority of his face.

“The affairs of you and your husband are between the two of you.”

“Then surely, Grandmaster,” Obi-Wan says, “you didn’t need to come to Kamino while Jango and I discuss his previous errors.”

“Grandpadawan,” Dooku replies, in the same cool tones, “Surely you don’t expect me to abandon my lineage to the poor mercies of lawyers.”

The lawyer sighs.

Jango says, “Don’t I get a say in any of this?”

“Don’t worry,” Master Plo says, “This is how they communicate. When Dooku left the order, he had an 18-hour meeting with Barrister Karfulye that Obi-Wan helped mediate. They’re just exchanging pleasantries right now. They’ll get to the actual negotiating in another hour or so. But they’ll get yours and Obi-Wan’s affairs settled soon.”

Exchanging pleasantries, Jango mouths. 

“Now,” Master Plo says, as Dooku and Obi-Wan settle comfortably in to exchange barbs. “Why don’t you introduce me to some of your boys.”

* * *

By the time Jango makes it back to the lawyer, Master Plo’s gotten to know at least two battalion’s worth of clones, is steadily making his way into the hearts of a third, and has at least three cadets hanging onto his shoulders.

Obi-Wan and Dooku have, according to the lawyer’s frazzled gaze, started getting into actual Negotiations. Jango figured that Dooku would want the clones to stay with the Republic as an army, since that was why he’d been hired, but Dooku now seems to be pointing out the need for a strong Jedi Order, and Obi-Wan is discussing supporting the Republic.

Jango has never cared to spend any time with the clones, but as Obi-Wan leans forward and begins to detail, in quick precise language, the exact merits of why democracy requires work from the people to succeed, he turns around and goes to find a battalion to talk to.

* * *

The sun is still shining when Obi-Wan and Dooku emerge with the lawyer in tow. Obi-Wan is smiling, Dooku looks pleased, and the lawyer looks like she’s about to collapse on her feet.

“Husband,” Obi-Wan says, as he slides forward to link arms. “Count Dooku will be joining us for dinner. I hope you don’t mind. It seemed best to have our marital affairs settled before we started discussing what would happen with the boys.”

Jango stares at Dooku, who stares back, stonily. Dinner, Jango suspects, was not Dooku’s idea.

“He’s never met Anakin,” Obi-Wan explains, cheerfully. “And Boba’s part of the family now, though we’ll have to talk to Master Nu to figure out the exact terminology. And once we file the proper paperwork to emancipate the oldest boys and get custody back of the younger ones, we’ll have to introduce you to them,” Obi-Wan adds, to Dooku.

Dooku sniffs. “You really could have done better,” he says.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Grandmaster,” Obi-Wan replies, cheerful. “Jango has an impeccable lineage, and I’m told his achievements rank quite highly as well, given that you chose him over others as the template for this army.”

Dooku’s teeth audibly grind together.

Jango is beginning to feel greatly out of his depth. He opens his mouth, and then closes it. He says, “Do I want to know?”

“Oh,” Obi-Wan says, “My dear Grandmaster seems to have withheld some pertinent information from me, but that’s all in the past. He’s very pleased to see us in wedded bliss and offers his blessing, _doesn’t he_?”

Dooku sniffs, turning away.

Obi-Wan smiles. The sun shines, brightly. A foreboding chill creeps up Jango’s spine as he stares at Dooku—Tyrannus—and then back to Obi-Wan. Something about Obi-Wan’s words seems ominous. “Settling our marital affairs? Wasn’t the meeting about the clones?”

“Oh, that’s tomorrow,” Obi-Wan says. His eyes are bright and his smile smug. “Today was about preventing Count Dooku from filing our divorce.”

**Author's Note:**

> dooku is totally that asian grandmother that does not approve of their precious grandchild's marriage. 
> 
> curious what happens next? here's how you can find me:
> 
>   * find me in salt town
>   * Follow me on twitter [@virdant](http://www.twitter.com/virdant/)
>   * [Like & retweet on twitter](https://twitter.com/virdant/status/1314553264612896768)
>   * Comment and kudo below
> 



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